What to Do as a Parent with School Shooting Anxiety
Family members and parents embrace and grieve after the tragedy at Annunciation Catholic School
Recognizing School Shooting Anxiety in Parents
By the time this article is published, it will have been a week since the horrific school shooting at Annunciation Catholic School.
For me, this tragedy hit close to home. I’m Catholic. I attended Catholic elementary school, and before becoming a social worker, I taught at a Jesuit high school. I still remember those first school Masses as a kid, and being the AV guy for every school Mass as a faculty member.
To make it even more personal, this week my oldest daughter started pre-K at a local Catholic school in Houston. Naturally, my mind went to: “What if something happens to her? How do I know she’s safe?” Sometimes, when my daughter throws a tantrum, I experience intrusive images of her crying while running away from gunfire at school.
As an OCD and anxiety disorder specialist, I couldn’t help but wonder how many other parents were having a similar experience.
There’s no shortage of resources on how to talk to kids about school shootings. You’ve probably seen the lists: here, here, and here. But what about parents? What about the moms and dads who can’t shake the fear, who feel trapped in that anxiety long after the headlines fade?
That’s who this article is for.
What Does School Shooting Anxiety Look Like for Parents?
Like other anxiety disorders, parents struggling with school shooting anxiety experience overwhelming thoughts, images, and emotions, and often rely on behaviors aimed at easing that distress, even though those actions rarely provide the relief they’re seeking.
Common Symptoms
Intrusive images of your child being harmed in a shooting
Panic attacks before, during, or after school drop-off
Overwhelming guilt and shame for leaving your child at school
A constant sense of dread throughout the school day
Crying spells when reminded of school shootings
Difficult sleeping because you dread the next school day, or your mind keeps replaying “what if” scenarios
Common Coping Strategies That Keep You Stuck
Asking loved ones repeatedly for reassurance, “Everything will be okay, right?”
Driving back to school to “make sure” your child is safe
Keeping your child home during big events (field day, pep rallies, school Mass)
Repeatedly asking your child, “Did anyone act strangely today?”
Over-researching school safety protocols
Requesting teachers to seat your child in “safer spots”
Mentally rehearsing how you’d respond to a tragedy
Avoiding public places like malls or sporting events
Attending school events mainly to monitor entrances and exits
Why School Shooting Anxiety Symptoms Persist
Although there are many complex reasons as to why you are experiencing these symptoms (biological, social, and even cultural variables), the more helpful question is: What’s keeping the anxiety alive?
That question can usually be divided into two groups of parents – those with insight and those without.
The first group (with insight) says something like:
“I know these thoughts aren’t real, and I want to believe that my kids will continue to be safe at school, but I still have intrusive thoughts, and I still feel extremely anxious.”
If this is you, you already have an advantage for relief because you recognize that your brain’s alarm system isn’t working properly and that something needs to change. You may even feel a little embarrassed to have these internal experiences as you say to yourself,
“I wasn’t even directly affected by the shooting.”
“My kids seem fine, so why am I struggling?”
If this resonates with you, your next step is to identify the therapeutic skills that are most relevant and learn how to apply them effectively.
That often means:
Noticing when you’re ruminating
Identifying and removing safety behaviors
Recognizing thought suppression patterns
Learning to accept uncertainty and anxious feelings
People often feel stuck in anxious distress because it appears like the only way to calm down is to do more: more checking, more planning, more logic, more coping skills. But real relief comes from learning to do less and letting go of that need for control. That’s exactly what therapeutic tools are designed to teach: what “doing less” actually looks like.
Below, I’ll share a few quick tips on how this applies to school shooting anxiety. If you want to go deeper, check out the linked videos and resources in this article or connect with a local anxiety disorder specialist.
Quick Tips to Get Started for Those with Insight
1. Accept Intrusive Thoughts
When intrusive thoughts first show up, the instinct is to “stop” them or endlessly distract yourself. Unfortunately, the brain is terrible at stopping thoughts. In fact, the harder you try, the louder they get. The goal isn’t to fight the thought away; it’s to allow it to be there without engaging with it. You don’t have to like it or be okay with the content of the thought; you just have to make space for it. Overall, we aren’t in control of our thoughts, and when we try to be, the opposite effect happens.
2. Address Compulsive Reasoning
One common compulsion is trying to argue yourself into feeling safe: “If I can just convince myself that everything will be okay, I’ll feel better.”
But this only leads to an endless back-and-forth with your brain, because it will always find one more “what if.” Relief will never come from arguing to a logical conclusion; it’s from leaving the internal debate entirely. Reviewing non-engagement responses by Dr. Levine is a great place to start.
3. Allow Anxious Feelings
The first time you experience intense anxiety like this, the physical sensations can feel unbearable. You might use deep breathing before drop-off or repeat affirmations like, “I’m doing the best I can” on the drive home. These strategies can help temporarily, but the anxiety always comes back. The paradoxical truth is this: you can give yourself permission to feel anxious, and over time, those feelings fade naturally when you stop trying to force yourself to calm down.
The Second Group: Your Anxiety Feels Justified
I am approaching this section with the care and sensitivity it deserves, because if you’re in this group, you probably feel isolated and misunderstood. My hope is that I can help you feel seen while also offering another way forward.
For many parents, the anxious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that follow feel completely rational—even necessary—because they’re tied to your deepest instinct: protect your child at all costs.
So when someone says things like:
“School shootings are rare.”
“We can’t live in fear.”
“Just try to stop thinking about it.”
“Just accept the uncertainty.”
…it feels like they’re saying, “Stop caring so much… about the safety of your child.” And of course, you will never stop caring about your kids.
The Role of Shame in School Shooting Anxiety
If you are going to make changes, you must address the shame. Any anxiety management tool (mindfulness, meditation, acceptance, exposures, etc.) will be immediately rebuked if the shame is left unaddressed.
Shame from school shooting anxiety often sounds like:
“If I don’t worry, I’m being careless.”
“If I’m not hypervigilant, I’m a bad parent.”
“How can I be a loving parent for them if they’re killed?”
So, when you try to use therapeutic tools, your brain comes back with:
Brain: “So you don’t care if your kid dies?”
You: “Of course I care! But, maybe I can try mindfulness…”
Brain: [Shows an Intrusive image of your lifeless child] “Are you ok with this happening? Start Googling safety plans to make sure that never happens.”
This is also why arguments with your spouse can blow up so quickly:
Parent #1: I’m calling the school. They need armed security at the entrance. The doors are wide open at drop off! Someone could drive by and shoot at the kids.
Parent #2: Please don’t do that.
Parent #1: Why not? What are you worried about?
Parent #2: I don’t know… I think it’s too much.
Parent #1: Too much?! You care more about what people think than about our kids?
Parent #2: The chances of that happening are one in a million. Our kids will be fine.
Parent #1: Stop telling me it will be fine! It’s not! I couldn’t live with myself if something happened!
No amount of logic, mindfulness, meditations, or breathing exercises will bring you peace if shame isn’t addressed, which is why learning to work through the shame is a critical first step toward healing.
Caring Differently: Working Through Shame
One phrase I share with every parent struggling with an anxiety disorder involving their children is:
“I’m not teaching you to care less. I’m teaching you to care differently.”
Right now, your brain believes the only way to be a loving and protective parent is by:
Ruminating all day
Controlling every detail of your child’s environment
Seeking constant reassurance
Avoiding anything that feels “risky”
That makes sense, until you notice the pattern: your distress is only growing, and your brain keeps demanding that you do even more. No amount of checking, Googling, or planning can make the risk zero. And the harder you try, the louder the demands become.
When you first begin resisting the urge to seek reassurance, it’s not about saying, “I don’t care enough to be bothered by this anymore.” You can instead say, “Caring for my children’s safety and wellbeing doesn’t have to include asking my partner for reassurance every day. I give myself permission to cope differently and to accept and allow the shame and anxiety that follows.”
Rebuilding Connection with your Kids
Chances are, the obsession with being 100% certain your child is safe is already affecting your relationship with them:
Instead of dropping your kids off on time, you linger in the parking lot with them and lash out when they want to leave the car before drop-off is over.
Instead of asking about the exciting things happening in class, you ask if anyone acted “sketchy” that day.
Instead of helping with their school project, you’re up late Googling security measures and drafting emails to the school board.
Again, this isn’t about caring more or less; it’s about caring in a way that helps you show up as the parent you want to be (and were). One who is present, who connects, and who doesn’t live trapped in the endless loop of “what if.” Healing is putting your efforts back into building a relationship with your kids, not solely on perfectly protecting them.
Now, I understand my words might feel hollow. You don’t know me, and this might sound like just another person telling you to “let it go.” That’s why I encourage you to find a clinician you trust and can build a strong, working relationship with.
In my experience working with individuals facing phobias, OCD, and health anxiety, clinicians are rarely the first person to tell someone suffering from an anxiety disorder to change their behavior. But we are often the first people who make them feel understood enough to try.
Moving Forward: Support and Treatment for Parents with School Shooting Anxiety
As I mentioned earlier, there are effective treatments and therapeutic skills that can help parents navigate school shooting anxiety, but they work best after the underlying shame has been addressed. These approaches are based on the same gold-standard CBT methods that have helped countless people with other anxiety disorders find relief and peace:
Reducing Reassurance Behaviors (including Googling, safety checks, and repeated “just to be sure” questions)
Using Mindfulness to Accept Intrusive Thoughts and Unwanted and Distressing Emotions (learning to notice thoughts without engaging in the struggle to make them go away)
Grounding Techniques for Panic Attacks (especially during drop-off or when anxiety spikes unexpectedly)
Gradual Return to Normal Activities
I don’t know how many other parents are going through this. If you are experiencing these feelings, please know that you are not alone and that you can work through this while remaining the caring, passionate parent you already are. If you know someone who shares this experience, consider sending this article to them. It can help them take the first steps toward feeling understood and remind them that support is available if they need it.
Lastly, throughout the article, I’ve mentioned finding ways to care differently. One of those options is choosing to spend your time supporting relief efforts. If you would like to support relief efforts for Annunciation Catholic School, please follow this link.
